


He'll be back tomorrow (or not)

by sadhomosexual



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Dead Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society), Happy Memories, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, but its there, lots of remenicing, no beta we die like men, not mentioned, rated M for emotional trauma, sad todd anderson, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:02:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29067735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadhomosexual/pseuds/sadhomosexual
Summary: What happened after Todd ran to the docks and Todd reminiscing all the happy memories they had together.orA study of a tragic love story based in the 50's
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	He'll be back tomorrow (or not)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first work in this fandom so don't hate me too much, its basically all angst. also unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own. also the italics are memories. i tried to write in Todds stutter but it didnt work that well. Also i switched up the time line a little so dont mind that, it just worked better for the intended purposes of the story. Im also so sorry about the spacing my computer was being a bitch and didnt want to cooperate.

Dead

Deceased

Six feet under 

Whatever you wanted to call it he was _gone._

Neil Perry was dead and Todd Anderson couldn't do anything about it. Todd knew something was off the night he left the play with his father. He knew when he tried to sleep, and he knew when Charlie came to wake him up with the other poets outside his door. He knew it when he walked outside and broke down in the snow and he still knew it when he sat on the dock and cried.

He could vaguely hear Knox and Meeks yelling at him to come back, but the words just didn't register. 

Nothing registered.

Everyone told him he was dead, Todd knew this, it was a basic fact. Neil Perry was no longer in the land of the living. He would never come back to Welton, to the dorm, to  _ Todd. _

Just barely a day ago Todd was holding Neil as he cried about his father. Shaking so violently that when he was held Todd shook with him. Barely a day ago Todd was comforting Neil with sweet nothings that were sweet everythings.

Not even 24 hours ago Todd was running lines with Neil, (which was idiotic because he didn't need to). He was only doing it to ease any doubts Neil had.

They lay on Todd's bed while Todd read from the script and Neil said his lines back effortlessly. They were happy, for once both of them were happy. Before Neil left he had kissed Todd and told him he loved him. Without hesitation Todd said it back. 

After the play, long after Neil's car disappeared Todd realized what happened back in the dorm was a goodbye, not a see you soon or farewell. It was a final goodbye. He watched the light go out of Neil's eyes, the second he stepped into the car. They stared at each other until Neil's car was long gone, tying to telepathically I love you’s and goodbyes. 

Todd knew somewhere deep in the back of his mind that he would never see Neil again, never get to hold him or kiss him, say i love you to him. He would never see Neil on stage again and the way his eyes would sparkle when he talked about acting. But Todd didn't pay attention to the voice in the back of his head telling him Neil was gone. He told himself that Neil would be back tomorrow.

He would be back tomorrow. 

He would be back and Todd could tell him how proud he was, tell him he was amazing and looked ethereal. He could tell Neil he loved him, he would whisper it over and over and over again until he couldn't breathe 

He would hold him in the early hours of the morning as the sun was coming up and whisper sweet nothings to him as he slept. 

It would be okay because Neil would be back tomorrow.

Todd didn't know how long he sat in the snow looking at the lake. For all he knew it could've been hours, minutes, seconds. He didn't know he didn't care, Todd felt like his entire world was falling apart, the only person who made him feel like he was worth something; that he was special was dead. 

He was dead and Todd's life was crumbling beneath his feet and he was watching it happen in slow motion.

It finally resonated with Todd that Neil wasn't coming back, that he was gone for good. He finally put it together that they never got to say goodbye, not really. Todd thought it was a see you soon. Not a ‘goodbye forever you'll never see me again sorry’. Instead what they got were broken promises, sleepless nights, silent tears and ruined memories.

Eventually Charlie came down to the docks to get him, make sure he didn't freeze to death. Or something of the sort. Dying didn't sound too bad to Todd right now. He barely noticed Charlie talking to him. He could see his mouth moving, but everything sounded like he was trapped underwater and when he tried to speak his mouth felt like he swallowed sawdust. 

The next thing he knew he was sitting on the floor of ~~their~~ \-  _ his  _ room facing Neil's bed.

There was a lot Todd wanted to tell Neil. A lot he wanted to do with Neil. Todd wanted the life they made up for themselves. He wanted the small apartment in New York, wanted to be ‘roommates’. ~~He wanted~~ \-  _ they wanted, _ to get out of Vermont, out of their parents grasps. They would've been the actor and the poet. Sounds like a Shakspeareian tragedy (oops).

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ _~ ~ ~_

_ Todd looked out their dorm window to see the sun rising. Beside him lay Neil absolutely dead to the world. Todd lay there admiring the different colours of the sky. Todd was broken out of his train of thought by a rough “g’morning”. Todd smiled down at his boyfriend, pushing back stray hairs on his forehead. “Hi”. Todd whispered softly. For a few moments they sat there staring into eachothers eyes memorizing the features of the others' faces.  _

_ “I was thinking about something the other day”. Todd looked down at Neil, waiting for him to continue. “We should go to New York”. Todd stared at him with wide eyes. _

_ “W-what” _

_ “New York, we should go”.  _

_ “We still have school, we can't just go to New York”.  _

_ “I know that, dumbass, i mean after school, we should go to New York”. Todd stared at Neil for a moment, just looked at him. How happy he seemed about a new life, a fresh start. Going to a place where no one knew them, he looked wistful. Todd looked at him and smiled, he could dig New York. _

_ “Okay wise guy, what the hell would we do in New York”. Neil looked up at him and smiled. Going off on a tangent about NYU and Julliard. How they would get a cat or two in a shitty New York apartment, all very discrete of course. Neil would study acting and Todd could be a writer. He talked about how they both could finally be happy. Todd watched in fascination as Neil's eyes sparkled with the talk of the future. The actor and the poet is something he could get behind  _

_  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ _

_ It's funny watching Knox go crazy for a girl he’s only met once. Watching him talk about her every spare moment he has. Always waxing poetics about her. The amount of times Todd has heard about Chris’ eyes is practically unheard of.  _

__

_ It would be nice if he could talk about Neil that way. Being able to tell the world about his eyes and the way his hair glows when the sun touches it in the early hours of the morning.  _

__

_ But he can't, he won't ever be able to tell anyone about what he feels for Neil. He can't tell people that he's the reason Todd’s still breathing. The reason he has a smile on his face. He can tell anyone that he’s so in love with Neil sometimes it hurts to breathe. _

_ He can tell that Charlie and Meeks maybe know, they've been giving them enough pointed looks for weeks to think they know. _

__

_ Todd and Neil walked back to the dorms in a comfortable silence. Todd smiled, staring up at him with bright eyes. Neil looked down at Todd with a look of pure adoration. They shared a smile and carried on walking back to their room.  _

__

_ They’d gotten good at the whole silent communication thing in the past couple months. They kinda had to.  _

_ Neil completely falls on top of Todd when they get back to their room. Todd snakes his arm around Neils waist kissing the top of his head. “You’re being quiet”. Neil hums in response. “Something you want to talk about”. Todds threads his fingers through Neil's hair.  _

_ “I- I don't know, I just wish we could tell people about us. That they would get that there is an us, that we are an us. That we aren't Todd and Neil, we’re Todd-and-Neil, you know”. Yeah Todd knows, he knows all too well.  _

_ “I know, I wish we could tell people too, I’d shout it from the rooftops if I was allowed. Maybe one day we can tell people. We’ll be okay though. I'm pretty sure Charlies already figured it out”. That gets a laugh out of Neil.  _

__

_ Neil lay on Todd listening to his heartbeat while Todd listened to his breathing. They sat in comfortable silence until the sun went down. “Neil” .  _

__

_ “Yeah” _

__

_ “I-I love y-you”. Neil sat up abruptly staring at Todd with wide eyes. _

__

_ There was a small tremor in his voice when he spoke.“Did you, uh did you just say what i think you said”.  _

__

_ “Yes”. Todd answered simply. “You d-don't have to say it back, i won't be offended or anything I just thought you should know”. Todd moved his hands to Neils hair and started playing with stray pieces.  _

__

_ Neil looked up at Todd and took his face in his hand. “I love you too, stupid”. Then bent down and kissed him. _

_  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  _

_ Two years in a row they'd forgotten his birthday. Two years. Last year they sent him a desk set with no card and the year before they gave him Jeffreys old winter coat with holes in the pockets.  _

__

_ This year. This year though takes the fucking cake. They got him the same thing as last year. The same desk set that's currently sitting in his room right now.  _

__

_ At least he got a card this year. Even if all it says is ‘don't disappoint us’. Don't disappoint us, what is that supposed to mean. For god's sake not everyone is Jeffrey with his perfect grades and extracurriculars.Its stupid, all he’s ever done is try to please his parents and even now he cant get out of Jefferys shadow.  _

__

_ Todd stared down at the offending desk set as if that would make it burst into flames. Then he saw Neil, or more likely he heard N _

_ Todd looks up and speaks hesitantly. “Nothing. Today's my birthday.”  _

__

_ A smile creeps up onto Neils face. “Is today your birthday? Happy birthday.” Todd utters a sheepish thanks.  _

_ “So what you get.” _

__

_ Todd looks down at said desk set “My parents got me this.” _

__

_ Neil looks down and a frown forms on his face. “Isn't this the same desk set.” _

__

_ “Yeah, they uh they got me the same thing last year.”  _

__

_ “Oh” _

__

_ “Yeah, oh.” _

_ Neil started laughing. “Maybe they thought you needed another one.” _

__

_ “Maybe they weren't thinking about anything at all. Uh, the funny thing is about this is I, I didn't even like it the first time.” _

__

_ Neil looks like a kid on christmas morning when he speaks next. “Todd, I think you're underestimating the value of this desk set.” he picks it up and starts looking at it. “I mean, who would want a football or a baseball, or-” _

__

_ “Or a car”. Todd speaks sarcastically. Neil looks at Todd with a small smile. “Or a car if they could have a desk set as wonderful as this one? I mean, if, if I were ever going to buy a, a desk set twice, I would probably buy this one both times. In fact, its, its shape is, it's rather aerodynamic, isn't it? I can  _

_ feel it. This desk set wants to fly.” Neil hand the desk set to Todd  _

__

_ “Todd? The world's first unmanned flying desk set”.  _

__

_ Todd throws it off the balcony and the two burst out into laughter. _

__

_ “Don't worry”. Neil spoke through the offending giggles. “You'll get another one next year” _

_ When the laughter died down Todd looked over at Neil- and to his surprise Neil was looking back. Todd could see the small smile that ghosted Neils lips. When they looked at eachother time seemed to stop completely. The world only revolved around them and they didn't need anyone else but each other.  _

_ Todd couldn't understand why Neil would look at him like he held all of his happiness. He looked at him with such adoration it made his chest hurt. Todd opened his mouth to say something, but Neil beat him to it. “We should head back.” Todd assumed he was talking about dinner so they made their way to the dining hall when suddenly Neil turned toward the dorms.  _

_ Todd being Todd worriedly followed Neil back to their dorm. When Todd closed the door behind him Neil crowded him against it. Todd stared at Neil with fond exasperation. “We’re going to miss dinner.” _

_ “I know.” Neil looked down at Todd with a small smile. “I wanted to do something first.” Todd remained silent. “Can I kiss you.”  _

_ Todd looked at Neil like he grew a second head. “W-what.”  _

_ “Can i kiss you?”  _

_ Todd nodded, Neil leaned in and he met him half way placing a soft kiss to Todd's lips. Todd blushed and hid his face in Neil's shirt. “We should do that again”.  _

_ Neil laughed, and whispered, “okay, happy birthday.”  _

_ It was a good birthday for Todd  _

_~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~_

He looked at Neil’s neatly made bed with unshed tears in his eyes. Todd picked up a stray flannel laying ontop of Neils pillow and wrapped his arms in it, breathing in a scent that could only be described as Neil. Before this Todd never understood why Achilles destroyed Troy in a fit of rage after Patroclus’ death. He never understood how someone could be so angry that they would destroy an entire city to avenge one person. To Todd it seemed excessive. 

But Todd hadn't lost Neil yet. He hadn’t experienced that rage so deep that you think you might burn. He hadn’t experienced the pain, sorrow and pure sadness that is losing someone you love more than life itself. But Todd gets it now, he gets the rage and the sadness and every damn emotion in between. He gets how it feels to lose someone you hold so closer to you, he knows what it's like to lose a soulmate. 

He would burn Welton to the ground if he could.

He would do anything possible to cause suffering to everyone who hurt Neil. But he can't because he’s Todd. Shy quiet Todd. So he’d have to do something else. Something that Neil would be proud of.

Todd looked at Neils bed wondering what god he pissed off in a past life for Neil to deserve this. 

He slowly got up from the floor taking one of Neils notebooks from under the bed and made his way to the door. Todd paused with his hand on the knob, looking back at their room one last time. Knowing when he got back Neils bed would be bare, his belongings would be gone and the only thing Todd would have left is an old flannel, a notebooks and bittersweet memories. 

Todd opened the door. 

_ fin. _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading if you got to the end!!  
> kudos are very much appreciated 
> 
> my tumblr: douggietheoat :)


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